Living Riotously

A few years ago, when signs of our own aging process began to speed up rapidly, George grew concerned about my lack of knowledge on the technical and serious issues of life. But subjects like how to program the VCR, change the oil in my car, or put air in the tires were not part of my thought process. Still, George persisted. How will you care for yourself when I’m no longer here, he wanted to know. Having no concern or interest in these chores, I replied, “I’ll use you while you’re here and worry about it when you’re gone.”

I was surprised at George’s reaction when I allowed my hair to go gray several years ago. At age 70, his hair hasn’t changed that much from when he was 20. (For some odd reason, men seem to believe that their wives will never age. Women can always wear their hair long, maintain good figures, and so on.) Anyway, there was a great deal of moaning and groaning over my gray hair - never mind that I received more compliments than I ever did in my brunette years. So, one day I said, “Sweetheart, the older woman with a younger man is trendy. We’ll just tell people that you married an older woman.” He loves it!

George still doesn’t understand why I return home from the hair stylist with a shorter cut each time. He doesn’t seem to notice that my face now falls a foot a year - or maybe he can’t see well enough to tell. (Remember, things fall and shift more rapidly after 60.)

When I realized my shortcomings, I began a list of requirements for George’s second and more improved wife should I go first. (The list will get longer the longer I last.) Here are the first 16 requirements on the list.

1. George’s second and improved wife must be a brunette with long hair.
2. She must be passionate about food and dining out, but she can’t gain weight. (I love eating the leftovers at home.)
3. She must adore Country and Western music.
4. Basketball and baseball must take top priority in her life.
5. She must love theme parks. (I had enough of those when our daughter was young!)
6. She needs a large family for holiday gatherings and special occasions, but they can’t hang around between times. (I have no family.)
7. She has to cook Mexican food at least once a week.
8. She must have a silent income.
9. Sleeping late must be one of her favorite things. (7:00am is late for me.)
10. Her conversation must include waxing and waning nostalgically about ‘the good old days’.
11. She must have extensive knowledge on coordinating his clothing colors. I have spoiled him by purchasing only his best colors. (He now insists on workout clothing being the proper colors.)
12. She must stay aware (but not be nosey) about the neighbors’ new cars, guests, lawn care, etc.
13. She has to be a natural beauty. My makeup now requires more time and creativity. When George retired for the second time, he warned me that we would not have time to travel because putting on my face takes half a day.
14. She will love to go to the health club with him. (That would definitely take half my day!)
15. She can never be ill on holidays or birthdays.
16. She can be a stripper, but not a ‘remote flipper’. My philosophy is this: Why waste an hour on one program when we can have sound bytes of several - and skip commercials?