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by
Poochie
Myers
If your best friend
comes running into you and says, "I've just met the love of my life!" what are
you going to say? Will you say, "Huh?" or possibly, "I'm very happy for you,"
or just stand there with your teeth in your mouth. That's right — there is no
answer for that statement. If your friend has stated, "love of my life," well
what else is there to say? You'll just have to love through this romance just
like all the rest of their love affairs. And someday your friend will really
mean it — maybe?
We usually fall in love
at an early age — and for all the "right reasons," of course, like — "He's
such a hunk." or "She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." It can even
be, "He is so strong!" or "She has a beautiful figure." Heaven help these
people in a few years. Gravity is always at work including on the most beautiful
figure or the strongest.
Muscles sag and our love
wanes. Well somebody has to carry out the garbage and do the dishes. Do I
sound like a cynic? Just look at the divorce statistics.
Now if your friend comes
running into you and says, "Let's go to lunch," and you go and the conversation
is something like this: They say, "What have you been doing?" You reply appropriately.
Then lunch is ordered, received and eaten. Then perhaps your friend says,
"I have just met somebody I enjoy being with, they like a lot of the same
things I like, I'd love for them to meet you." Can you see the difference?
This romance has a chance!
What's the difference
between love and unconditional love? Every marriage contract is just that
- a contract! If you promise "to love them as long as they act right" that's
okay but spell out the "what's right" part in the written contract because
what's "right" for you may not be the same for your partner. The law of physics
is always in play — no two people have the same viewpoint. Unconditional love
is just that — unconditional.
Unconditional means:
I will love you even if you have different opinions than me; even if you never
think to carry out the garbage until I ask you. . . . Unconditional means
that the person you love doesn't have to perform, be strong, be beautiful,
or do anything or change in any way. You love them just as they are now. This
reflects on how you feel about yourself. You cannot have unconditional love
for another until you have a clear unconditional love for yourself.
My dog gives me unconditional
love. . . Always happy to see me. . . Always stays by my side no matter what.
(Well, after they have run after another dog or bird and come back.)
Love
Yourself
You cannot love
any other person more than to the extent you love yourself.
What does it mean to
love your self?
Does it mean to indulge
in all your desires? In a way - yes! Doesn't this sound like egotism? Or Narcissism?
Most of us give all our
love to everyone else. If we don't feel it then we want someone to feel it!
So we give all we can to everyone we meet. However this is hollow. We just
can't give away something we don't feel ourselves.
Think about your day.
You wake up, feed the dog, brush your teeth, shower, dress, and then do you
either call someone or go out the door to work with others. Possibly you stay
home and work by yourself, but what kind of work? Do you work at something
you love or do you work at something to make money. What is the motivation?
Motivation is the key
word to understand if you are doing because you love yourself or are you doing
for attention, love, money, survival, etc.?
People who decide when
they are young what occupation they want to pursue are motivated in a focused
way. But again, what is the motivation? Did you decide this occupation because
your family has the same occupation? Did you decide this because of prestige?
What about the motivation of saving people or having power or making lots
of money?
Time investment can be
a factor that keeps us in an occupation or relationship we no longer want.
This can't be love can it? If we love ourselves and everyone around us we
would never worry about time investment. Loving ourself can mean always being
free to change. Worrying about all the time we have invested in anything or
any relationship would mean that we are living in the past, wouldn't it?
Living in the past has
nothing to do with loving yourself. If you love yourself you will enjoy all
the talents and abilities and knowledge you have attained up to this point
in your life and feel free to use all of these assets in a creative way appropriate
to the moment.
Appropriate to the moment
does mean now. If a father has 3 children, a wife, job, cars, etc. but all
of a sudden he decides he wants to ditch all this and take to the high seas
this could be self love and it could be appropriate to the moment. But along
with self love comes self respect. Can a person respect himself if he abandons
his obligations?
All our relationships
are mirrors of ourselves. Ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I think about
myself?
- What do I really think
about myself?
- I know what I think
about myself but what do I think about my best friend?
- Do they act the same
way as they did when I met them?
- Do I act the same way
as I always did?
- What would I like to
change about them?
- What would I like to
change about me?
- Would I change if they
asked me to change?
- Would they change anything
for me?
- In 5 years from now
what do I expect our relationship to be?
Boundaries
- My space/Your space
What's a boundary?
A boundary can be, "This is my desk, don't touch anything on my desk." or "I
have a right to go out with my friends whenever I want and for as long as I
want."
People in Europe or Sweden
have a reputation here in the United States. We think they all have no boundaries
because they all go into the bathrooms together and walk around in various
stages of undress without a thought. They probably call this "natural." Boundaries
are like everything else, different for different people and every relationship
has it's own set of rules.
Think about your own
boundaries. Does anything or anyone bother you for any reason? If you say,
"No," then ask yourself again.
- What boundaries do
I have?
- What's the worst way
you can overstep my boundary?
- What way would I never
intrude in anybody else's life?
- What embarrasses me
the most?
- When do I just hate
myself if I do what action to another person?
Control
and Helplessness — Forgive Exercise
"Who me? — I don't
need to control! I only want to control myself! I never want to control you."
These are all statements of a control freak! Perhaps I am being unkind.
What is control?
A way to stop the helpless feeling. "If I have control in my like I have all
aspects of my life working just the way I want it to work. If I have no control
in my life I am helpless. Helplessness is something I never want to experience."
If I am in control then
I actually am helpless. They are one and the same experience. If I can control
my mate then I will know exactly where they are and what they are doing at
all times.
I can't think of anything
worse than always knowing what or how your friends will react and act in every
situation. Yet this seems to be the goal of every teen and young person and
older married people too. Do you know who I mean? Have you observed this trait
in your friends? Do they try to control you?
If your parents tried
to control you when you were young — were you always trying to get your own
way? Is this a form of control?
Everybody in your life
tries to control you and everybody else in one small way or another.
The book, "the Celestine
Prophesy" has described control factors in the following way: Aloofness, Interrogation,
Intimidation, Poor Me. These classifications say it all. How often we have
tried to talk to a friend, parent, etc. just to have them keep reading the
paper or whatever. Some people just wont talk no matter what we say or do.
This is controlling us with aloofness. Remember when you were little and you
came home late and your father or mother, or both met you at the door with
a million questions? "Where were you? Why are you late? Who were you with?"
All these are harsh questions and they are intimidating too!
My favorite control category
is: Poor Me. Just imagine you missed your bus, tore a hole in your suit getting
a taxi, spent your last dime on transportation, are late for work, dropped
your important papers in the water on the way into your office, the phone
is not working today, a friend came over last night and bored you till 2 am
and you missed a lot of sleep, etc., etc......
I have to say we even
control with Poor Me when a friend dies and we feel so sad and people give
us sympathy and we agree, "It's so sad." How is this control? It is right
and natural to feel sad when we lose a friend, but after a few minutes what
are we really feeling? We are feeling, "I'm glad it was not me." "How will
I live without this person in my life?" "Who will take care of me now?" Can
you understand what we are doing now? We are projecting onto the person or
situation - what if it was me?
If we are having a difficult
time with anyone in our life, is it because we cannot control them or we cannot
control ourselves and our actions around them?
| Try this exercise
the next time you are having a problem with anyone else in your life: |
Shut your eyes.
Think of the person you have a problem with or don't like or don't understand.
See them standing in front of you.
Look at them and feel what it is that you don't understand or like about
them.
Now, magically step into their body and look through their eyes and see
yourself standing there judging them. How does that feel?
Now let yourself come back out of their body and back into your own body.
Look at them through your own eyes. Do you still feel the same about them?
Are you judging them? Open your heart and send them some love.
Which
is stronger judgement or love?
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Visit Poochie's Classes for Growth in the Circles of Possibilities to have a seminar or workshop in your area and visit Poochie's
Bio Page in Prosperity to see her areas of expertise.
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